CHAPTER XLVII
Strap communicates to me a conquest he had made of a Chandler's Widow--finds himself miserably mistaken--I go to the Opera--admire Melinda--am cautioned by Banter--go to the Assembly at Hampstead--dance with that young lady--receive an insolent message from Bragwell, whose mettle is soon cooled--am in favour with my Mistress, whom I visit next day, and am bubbled out of eighteen guineas at cards--Strap triumphs at my success, but is astonished at my expense--Banter comes to my lodging, is very sarcastic at my expense, and borrows five guineas from me, as a proof of his friendship
In the morning, before I got up, Strap came into my chamber, and, finding me awake, hemmed several times, scratched his head, cast his eyes upon the ground, and, with a very foolish kind of simper upon his face gave me to understand he had something to communicate. "By your countenance," said I, "I expect to hear good tidings." "Indifferently," replied he, tittering, "that is, hereafter as it shall be. You must know, I have some thoughts of altering my condition." "What!" cried I, astonished, "a matrimonial scheme? O rare Strap! thou hast got the heels of me at last." "N--no less, I assure you," said he, bursting into a laugh of self-approbation: " a tallow chandler's widow that lives hard by, has taken a liking to me, a fine jolly dame, as plump as a partridge. She has a well-furnished house, a brisk trade, and a good deal of the ready. I may have her for the asking. She told a friend of mine, a brother footman, that she would take me out of a stinking clout. But I refused to give my final answer, till I knew your opinion of the matter." I congratulated Monsieur d'Estrapes upon his conquest, and approved of the scheme, provided he could be assured of those circumstances of her fortune; but advised him to do nothing rashly, and give me an opportunity of seeing the lady before matters should be brought to a conclusion. He assured me he would do nothing without my consent and approbation, and that very morning, while I was at breakfast, introduce his inamorata to my acquaintance. She was a short thick woman, about the age of thirty-six, and had a particular prominence of belly, which I perceived at first sight, not without some suspicion of foul play. I desired her, however, to sit, and treated her with a dish of tea; the discourse turning on the good qualities of Strap, whom I represented as a prodigy of sobriety, industry and virtue. When she took her leave, he followed her to the door, and returned licking his lips, and asking if I did not think she was a luscious creature. I made no mystery of my apprehension, but declared my sentiments of her without reserve; at which he was not surprised, telling me he had observed the same symptom, but was informed by his friend that she was only livergrown and would in few months be as small in the waist as ever. " Yes," said I, "a few weeks, I believe, will do the business. In short, Strap, it is my opinion, that you are egregiously imposed upon; and that this friend is no other than a rascal who wants to palm his trull upon you for a wife, that he may at once deliver himself from the importunities of the mother and the expense of her bantling; for which reason I would not have you trust implicitly to the report he makes of her wealth, which is inconsistent with his behaviour, nor run your head precipitately into a noose, that you may afterwards wish exchanged for the hangman's." He seemed very much startled at my insinuation, and promised to look twice before he leaped; saying, with some heat, "Odds, if I find his intention is to betray me, we shall see which of us is the better man." My prediction was verified in less than a fortnight, her great belly producing an infant, to the unspeakable amazement of Strap, who was before this happened, inclinable to believe I had refined a little too much in my penetration. His false friend disappeared; and a few days after an execution was issued against her goods and household furniture, which were seized by the creditors.