LETTER LVII MR. BELFORD, TO ROBERT LOVELACE, ESQ. MONDAY, SEPT. 4.
The lady would not read the letter she had from Mrs. Norton till she had received the Communion, for fear it should contain any thing that might disturb that happy calm, which she had been endeavouring to obtain for it. And when that solemn office was over, she was so composed, she said, that she thought she could receive any news, however affecting, with tranquillity.
Nevertheless, in reading it, she was forced to leave off several times through weakness and a dimness in her sight, of which she complained; if I may say complained; for so easy and soft were her complaints, that they could hardly be called such.
She was very much affected at divers parts of this letter. She wept several times, and sighed often. Mrs. Lovick told me, that these were the gentle exclamations she broke out into, as she read:--Her unkind, her cruel brother!--How unsisterly!--Poor dear woman! seeming to speak of Mrs. Norton. Her kind cousin!--O these flaming spirits! And then reflecting upon herself more than once--What a deep error is mine!--What evils have I been the occasion of!--
When I was admitted to her presence, I have received, said she, a long and not very pleasing letter from my dear Mrs. Norton. It will soon be in your hands. I am advised against appointing you to the office you have so kindly accepted of: but you must resent nothing of these things. My choice will have an odd appearance to them: but it is now too late to alter it, if I would.
I would fain write an answer to it, continued she: but I have no distinct sight, Mr. Belford, no steadiness of fingers.--This mistiness, however, will perhaps be gone by-and-by.--Then turning to Mrs. Lovick, I don't think I am dying yet--not actually dying, Mrs. Lovick--for I have no bodily pain--no numbnesses; no signs of immediate death, I think.--And my breath, which used of late to be so short, is now tolerable--my head clear, my intellects free--I think I cannot be dying yet--I shall have agonies, I doubt--life will not give up so blessedly easy, I fear--yet how merciful is the Almighty, to give his poor creature such a sweet serenity!--'Tis what I have prayed for!--What encouragement, Mrs. Lovick, so near one's dissolution, to have it to hope that one's prayers are answered.
Mrs. Smith, as well as Mrs. Lovick, was with her. They were both in tears; nor had I, any more than they, power to say a word in answer: yet she spoke all this, as well as what follows, with a surprising composure of mind and countenance.
But, Mr. Belford, said she, assuming a still sprightlier air and accent, let me talk a little to you, while I am thus able to say what I have to say.
Mrs. Lovick, don't leave us, [for the women were rising to go,] pray sit down; and do you, Mrs. Smith, sit down too.--Dame Shelbourne, take this key, and open the upper drawer. I will move to it.
She did, with trembling knees. Here, Mr. Belford, is my will. It is witnessed by three persons of Mr. Smith's acquaintance.
I dare to hope, that my cousin Morden will give you assistance, if you request it of him. My cousin Morden continued his affection for me: but as I have not seen him, I leave all the trouble upon you, Mr. Belford. This deed may want forms; and it does, no doubt: but the less, as I have my grandfather's will almost by heart, and have often enough heard that canvassed. I will lay it by itself in this corner; putting it at the further end of the drawer.