LETTER XXII MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.
But still she insisted upon being a free agent; of seeing herself in other lodgings before she would give what I urged the least consideration. Nor would she promise me favour even then, or to permit my visits. How then, as I asked her, could I comply, without resolving to lose her for ever?
She put her hand to her forehead often as she talked; and at last, pleading disorder in her head, retired; neither of us satisfied with the other. But she ten times more dissatisfied with me, than I with her.
Dorcas seems to be coming into favour with her--
What now!--What now!
MONDAY NIGHT.
How determined is this lady!--Again had she like to have escaped us!-- What a fixed resentment!--She only, I find, assumed a little calm, in order to quiet suspicion. She was got down, and actually had unbolted the street-door, before I could get to her; alarmed as I was by Mrs. Sinclair's cookmaid, who was the only one that saw her fly through the passage: yet lightning was not quicker than I.
Again I brought her back to the dining-room, with infinite reluctance on her part. And, before her face, ordered a servant to be placed constantly at the bottom of the stairs for the future.
She seemed even choked with grief and disappointment.
Dorcas was exceedingly assiduous about her; and confidently gave it as her own opinion, that her dear lady should be permitted to go to another lodging, since this was so disagreeable to her: were she to be killed for saying so, she would say it. And was good Dorcas for this afterwards.
But for some time the dear creature was all passion and violence--
I see, I see, said she, when I had brought her up, what I am to expect from your new professions, O vilest of men!--
Have I offered t you, my beloved creature, any thing that can justify this impatience after a more hopeful calm?
She wrung her hands. She disordered her head-dress. She tore her ruffles. She was in a perfect phrensy.
I dreaded her returning malady: but, entreaty rather exasperating, I affected an angry air.--I bid her expect the worst she had to fear--and was menacing on, in hopes to intimidate her; when, dropping to my feet,
'Twill be a mercy, said she, the highest act of mercy you can do, to kill me outright upon this spot--this happy spot, as I will, in my last moments, call it!--Then, baring, with a still more frantic violence, part of her enchanting neck--Here, here, said the soul-harrowing beauty, let thy pointed mercy enter! and I will thank thee, and forgive thee for all the dreadful past!--With my latest gasp will I forgive and thank thee!-- Or help me to the means, and I will myself put out of the way so miserable a wretch! And bless thee for those means!
Why all this extravagant passion? Why all these exclamations? Have I offered any new injury to you, my dearest life? What a phrensy is this! Am I not ready to make you all the reparation that I can make you? Had I not reason to hope--
No, no, no, no, as before, shaking her head with wild impatience, as resolved not to attend to what I said.
My resolutions are so honourable, if you will permit them to take effect, that I need not be solicitous where you go, if you will but permit my visits, and receive my vows.--And God is my witness, that I bring you not back from the door with any view to your dishonour, but the contrary: and this moment I will send for a minister to put an end to all your doubts and fears.