LETTER XXXVI MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWEWEDNESDAY, FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON
Would but your mother permit you to send her chariot, or chaise, to the bye-place where Mr. Lovelace proposes Lord M.'s shall come, (provoked, intimidated, and apprehensive, as I am,) I would not hesitate a moment what to do. Place me any where, as I have said before--in a cot, in a garret; any where--disguised as a servant--or let me pass as a servant's sister--so that I may but escape Mr. Solmes on one hand, and the disgrace of refuging with the family of a man at enmity with my own, on the other; and I shall be in some measure happy!--Should your good mother refuse me, what refuge, or whose, can I fly to?--Dearest creature, advise your distressed friend.
***
I broke off here--I was so excessively uneasy, that I durst not trust myself with my own reflections. I therefore went down to the garden, to try to calm my mind, by shifting the scene. I took but one turn upon the filbert-walk, when Betty came to me. Here, Miss, is your papa--here is your uncle Antony--here is my young master--and my young mistress, coming to take a walk in the garden; and your papa sends me to see where you are, for fear he should meet you.
I struck into an oblique path, and got behind the yew-hedge, seeing my sister appear; and there concealed myself till they were gone past me.
My mother, it seems is not well. My poor mother keeps her chamber-- should she be worse, I should have an additional unhappiness, in apprehension that my reputed undutifulness had touched her heart.
You cannot imagine what my emotions were behind the yew-hedge, on seeing my father so near me. I was glad to look at him through the hedge as he passed by: but I trembled in every joint, when I heard him utter these words: Son James, to you, and to you Bella, and to you, Brother, do I wholly commit this matter. That I was meant, I cannot doubt. And yet, why was I so affected; since I may be said to have been given up to the cruelty of my brother and sister for many days past?
***
While my father remained in the garden, I sent my dutiful compliments to my mother, with inquiry after her health, by Shorey, whom I met accidentally upon the stairs; for none of the servants, except my gaoleress, dare to throw themselves in my way. I had the mortification of such a return, as made me repent my message, though not my concern for her health. 'Let her not inquire after the disorders she occasions,' was her harsh answer. 'I will not receive any compliments from her.'
Very, very hard, my dear! Indeed it is very hard.
***
I have the pleasure to hear that my mother is already better. A colicky disorder, to which she is too subject. It is hoped it is gone off--God send it may!--Every evil that happens in this house is owing to me!
This good news was told me, with a circumstance very unacceptable; for Betty said, she had orders to let me know, that my garden-walks and poultry-visits were suspected; and that both will be prohibited, if I stay here till Saturday or Monday.
Possibly this is said by order, to make me go with less reluctance to my uncle's.
My mother bid her say, if I expostulated about these orders, and about my pen and ink, 'that reading was more to the purpose, at present, than writing: that by the one, I might be taught my duty; that the other, considering whom I was believed to write to, only stiffened my will: that my needle-works had better be pursued than my airings; which were observed to be taken in all weathers.'